Gorillas

I started to put this blog together in December, with the intent of documenting two things. First, I wanted to journal on my increased seeking into Buddhist teachings and the lovely sort of pinched feeling that had put me into. For instance, those moments where my heart understood that this was truly wisdom, but where on a daily basis my mind and will chose not cooperate AT ALL. Second, I wanted to chronicle my 40th year of life, being as on January 2nd of 2011 I logged in my 39th birthday.

I thought to myself, isn't this a nice, neat package? Trying become better at life, at the middle of my life (hopefully EARLY-middle of my life) and writing it all down. I mean, this could be some golden content here. I can't tell you how many times a day, a week, I make an epic fail of what my intentions were spiritually, philosophically, educationally, etc. I would have no shortage of material to write about. Beautiful! I would increase my writing practice, while at the same time developing some discipline about meditation, reading dharma and put the concepts into practice. The first blog was to be on my birthday.

Yes. I know. Today is April 20. (4/20 for you stoners out there.)

What happened? Well, I'm lazy as shit. I never got around to it. Oh, I would occasionally sketch out an outline for this blog post or that in one of several journal/notebooks I always have lying around half used. And to be fair, I am a teacher and a mother. And I paint. And I have a relationship. And I have a home. But, to be fair as well, I'm the sort of person that always has an excuse. It can take a great shock to my system to get me to move on something.

Like excruciating pain.

Or large sums of money.

Or horrible heart-break.

That would be a hint as to why I'm here now. And it has nothing to do with anything that rhymes with bunny.

During past month it has felt like my entire world has cracked. A big, jaggedy, gaping crack. I really have no idea if it is repairable. Things I thought were solid and firm have proved to be tenuous and fluid. I'm in a freefall without any knowledge of where I'll land. A lot of things look scary and frustrating and sad right now.

Tonight, I feel shattered.

There is a book by Pema Chodron I have been reading over the past couple of weeks. It has a passage that I keep going flipping to. Each time I do, it punches me in the stomach.

"It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There's no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won't work. Basically, life has just nailed us.

"It's as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror's there; it's showing "you", and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That's being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away."

--When Things Fall Apart

I'm seeing that gorilla. I know I can be really skilled at pushing things away. I'm excellent at finding other things to do or think about rather than look at the messiness that my life can be. I also love looking outside myself to try and control situations or fix blame on others. Embracing what's happening and sitting with it as it is? This I don't know if I can do.

I might as well try, though. Nothing else is working.

I can say this: It made me write my first blog post.